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|  | Currently Watching
Billy Madison (Special Edition)
By Adam Sandler, Darren McGavin, Bridgette Wilson, Bradley Whitford, Josh Mostel, Norm MacDonald, Mark Beltzman, Larry Hankin, Theresa Merritt, Dina Platias, Harant Alianak, Vincent Marino, Jack Mather (II), Christopher Kelk, Marc Donato, Keith Cole, Chris Mei, Conor Devitt, Jared Durand, Jessica Nakamura
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Well I finally heard from my husband today. He's ok. He says that it is really tough, and this is coming from him who spent the last month before he left training and preparing. He was already doing better then the requirements for graduation, and he is saying that it is really tough. He called me while I was at work. I started balling, I had to leave the floor and go to the bathroom. I am fine when he isn't here and it's because I'm walking around completely numb...but just doing the day to day things. Then when I hear him it is like everything I have been holding back comes rushing in. Or before he left how just seeing him; whenever I would look at him I would start crying because it reminded me that he was leaving and I wouldn't have his wonderful smiling face to look at anymore. He is the most amazing man. I wish all could see him how I see him. I am still worried about him though. There is only one week down and that leaves 5 1/2 more to go. Then after that another 6 weeks in flight school. Then his linguist training which will take a good 14 or more months. Then after that he has survival skills training. Which I found out from somebody that I work with who went through that training, that it is the hardest thing he has ever had to do and will be the hardest thing my husband ever has to go through. So yes I was glad to hear from him and that he was doing ok, but I am still worried about him and the challenges he has yet to pass. He is in my every waking thought. I don't even sleep anymore, my eyes may close but my mind is still going. Everyone says that I will adjust. But, I don't want to adjust and adapt or whatever. He is my husband, I will always desire to be close to him. For that is the way God intended it.
Christina | | |
|  | Currently Watching
Signs (Vista Series)
By Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Abigail Breslin, Rory Culkin, Clifford David, Lanny Flaherty, Babita Hariani, Cherry Jones, Patricia Kalember, Marion McCorry, Paul L. Nolan, Rhonda Overby, Kevin Pires, Michael Showalter, Ted Sutton, Ukee Washington, Adam Way, Merritt Wever, Greg Wood
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Well it has been 72 hours. The military said that my husband would be calling me with in 72 hours to let me know that he got in safely and is doing well. But I haven't heard from him. I have literally spent the day next to the telephone, scared that I would miss his call. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll get through this... I know I'll get through this, but I still can't help but worry. I married a great man. I always said that I would never marry or be in a relationship with someone in the military. The reason being I have seen many people go in, and come out somebody else. The come out like robots...people who are way to serious and they usually tend to be these control freaks. When something doesn't go their way they turn in to something else. I am so scared that I may lose the man I love. I am so scared that he may become something else. But the thing is, this is the only way we can have any kind of a life together. My medical expenses are so ridiculous and the military is the only answer that we got after two years of looking, that would take care of me. So yes he made the most amazing sacrafice for me to make sure that I provided for, seeing as he never wanted anything to do with the military either. Who could ask for a better man. He has stuck with me through thick and thin, even after we were forced to move back in with my parents due to unfortunate financial situations. If anybody out there reading this knows my family...they know what an amazing guy I married is. Most any of my friends can't even stand to be around my parents for 2-5 minutes, and he made it for 10 months. So I know how strong of a guy he is, I know how amazingly smart he is, and I know he has dealt with awful situations. But, I also knows that he takes things to heart. He takes it very seriously when someone is offensively rude. Everything we have heard about basic, has shown us that that is exactly what it is about, and that is exactly how your Training Instructers treat you. It is a mind game where they will do everything to break you, and get you to do as they say. So knowing all this, I can't help but worry. God, please protect him. Bring him through safely. Be with him and always let him know I am there in my heart with him. Never let him forget how much I love him. You brought us together and have lead us to this path. I am trying to trust you. Lets face it in my life in the area of people I love....I have not had good luck and it is hard to trust. But, I am trying. Please be patient with me. I love you. You are still my lighthouse.
Christina | | |
| I sometimes wonder how people can have relationships and let that person go and years later have a hard time remembering who they were. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I think that the relationships that I have had with people are more then what they really were. Every hour of every day I am remembering someone who was a part of my life at some point and time. I remember them and how they have made me in some way who I am today. Some of them I don't talk to anymore. Some of them I would like to talk to...but things if the past have made it difficult. Some of them, there were unfortunate happenings and I wish I could take it back...or maybe I have tried to take it back. But that other person didn't take the bait and has made no effort to rebuild the bridges. There is one friend in particular. I know she is married and has a kid. She was one of the most inspirational people I have ever known. I have reason to believe she is in California right now. I myself will be going to California in a few months. If she is there we would be a few hours away from each other. I would love more then anything to rebuild my friendship with her. She was the kind of person that didn't have to do anything. You just like to be around her. She made you want to be a better person. She was very encouraging. But when I knew her I was young and didn't know who I was and got caught up in garbage that just drove this wedge between us. Out of everything that happened she is the one thing that makes me regret everything. She doesn't even know it, but I could care less about everything else. It was her friendship and the fact that I lost it that is the most upsetting thing of it all. The fact that I can never have that friendship back. But she isn't the only one. There are so many people that I wish I could rebuild bridges with. So many of them have these great things about them that I cherish and loved. I care about them deeply and recall them more then then know...but I don't think that any of them think about me. I guess you could say that this makes me sad. Does this mean that I effect no one....I leave no imprint whatsoever with the people I have encountered. I try so hard to remember everyone in my life. But no one else seems to be like that. Maybe I just live in my past. But my past has made me who I am and I can't help but recall things through out the day and be grateful of the friendships I have had and how I wish I still attained them so that they could see where I am today. I have lived all over the country and remembering everyone is a difficult accomplishment. I know that I don't keep in touch with people like I should. I just want to say that I am truly sorry. But know that I am thinking of you all the time. I want to contact you, but when I do...no one else seems to care in taking the effort in maintaining contact with me either. It's not an excuse just discouraging. I am going to try and make more of an effort to contact you who are so important to me. If I don't contact you...contact me. Keep me accountable.
Christina | | |
| Well, my husband left for boot camp today. We both cried a lot. It felt like someone ripped my heart in half. He took half of it with him, and I have the other half with me. Meanwhile everything around me feels wrong without him. We have never been separated like this. We were once separated for a month, but the whole time we were calling each other and talking until our cell phone batteries died. This time we are completely severed. Everyone says that this is because we are newly weds. Ha. Sure we have only just legally been married. But we have been together for nearly two years. Most couples are already struggling in their marriage at this point and time. Don't even get me started on our countries attitude toward marriage. Everyone says it is a waste of time, why bother. Each gender is fed up with the other. The reason why marriages don't last in this country anymore or even if they do upon spending time with them you find them so completely disconnected from each other it is a wonder how they have lasted this long in the first place. Anyways the reason why marriages are this way is because people have lost an understanding for it. The don't understand how to communicate with each other. The don't understand commitment. How to commit to a person no matter what and that fighting attitude that says I'm in it no matter what, and I am going to fight for it to be the best that it can be the whole time. Our country is so caught up in themselves...the what's in it for me. Or I have been wronged in this and that way and I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I deserve better. When you think like that, you'll ultimately become like everyone around you. Regardless of what I have been through in my life. I know where I stand and no matter how much it hurts I still love as much as I can love and give all I have got to give because it is the right thing to do. Sure sometimes I can be selfish...I'm not perfect and am continually working on myself. I know myself though, and I know when I am being selfish and I will always make the conscious effort to change my direction and go above and beyond what I was originally going to do for myself to try and make up for my selfishness. The thing that really gets me is this generation isn't trying. They say that they are but they live in blatant denial, because they don't even know themselves. When you try and talk to them about it they always justify it or they will just accept and embrace their attitude. I was reading Mere Christianity the other day. With in the first few pages something really struck me. He was talking about the different cultures and how people try to uphold them as everyone is different, history has proven that; as far as morals go. But he broke it down to show that even though they may have looked and behaved differently, at the heart of the nature the morals were the same. But one thing really really struck me, I mean lighting might as well have hit me. He said one thing is for sure selfishness has never (and he really emphasized the never) been upheld, family at least always came first before yourself. It really struck me because look at how much the culture has changed since he wrote that in the past years. It has changed so much and in a way the world has never seen before. Everyday you hear things like, looking out for numero uno. Dog eat dog. Every man for himself. The idea and drive for success and to do whatever you have to, to get there. Step on whoever it takes. Even the people who have this whole I'm staying out of everyone's business mentality...."too each his own". That is a selfish aspect because you are upholding yourself in your own little world that you have built all these walls around to keep everyone else out. Look around the only one really inside those walls is your...what I didn't quite catch that.....oh yeah....self. Hey I'm just ask guilty yall. I look around me and I see all that I see and I am so overwhelmed that I don't know where to start. How can one little person make a difference. No one wants to hear what I have to say, every time I open my mouth I am shot down. So do I just shut my mouth and stay quite, if I do I become what it is I can't stand. A selfish person. But there have been days when I just don't care. I justify it...somehow with meaningless excuses. My heart is dark in it's many woes. But I can not be untrue to myself. I still have a voice in me and as long as I do....I shall do my best to present what has been presented to me.
Anyway's I got way off course. All of that to say that my husband is gone. I miss him like crazy and it isn't because we are newly weds. We have been through more then most people go through in a decade just in these past two years, and we did it together. So please don't be so ignorant to think that I will just get over this, don't tell me in a few years I won't think like this whenever he has to leave. Because I will continue to fight as I know he will to for what Christ spoke about when he said two becoming one. If we live as one being then we will never be ok and accept being separated. You trying cutting yourself in half...and see how you survive. You can't do it, because you weren't meant to. It is physically impossible. Anyway's. I'm not trying to be offensive to anyone, just merely taking out my frustrations. Voicing my thoughts. Challenging ideas. With out David here I have no one else to talk to. So that is what I am using this for. So don't take it personally. If you have something to say, please go right ahead. As human beings we are entitle to speak our mind and stretch it...that is after all why God gave us one. It is what makes us each different. The way we think about things. We could all just have been mindless drones.... Alright well it is getting late and I still have things to do. So I'll be back another time.
Love and Loyalty,
Christina | | |
| Hello all....assuming anyone still reads this. I know I haven't been here much. Honestly I think I have been avoiding it. I have gotten into this habit of just keeping my mouth shut, because it seems to me that no one really wants to hear what I have to say. The only people I can relate to anymore are dead. I feel completely dissconnected from my generation. I don't know if it is just the area I am living in right now. Because I have never felt such a loss of hope for people as a whole until I moved here. It seems like everyone I encounter is so entirely selfish it is beyond sickening. No one cares about anyone. The worst part is whenever I try to talk to anyone they are right there with me agreeing with what I am saying and then five minutes later they will turn right around and do something that leaves you speechless. Like," Didn't we just talk about this." I know I am not perfect. I don't claim to be in anyway. But there is knowing and accepting, and there is knowning and trying to change. The weird thing is through this all God has been strengthening my discernment that I know things before they happen, which quite honestly is a little freaky. So through this I feel dark, in dispair, but I know that God has not left me. He still lets me know that He's there in little ways. But I am so frustrated with all that I see around me, sometimes I get lost in the frustration and forget that I am only here because He wanted me to see. So like I said the only people that I relate to anymore are dead. It's funny because way back when, when I was still a part of the church; I'll be honest; I didn't understand the prophets. Their frustrations....what I saw back then as "wild" emotions, bewildered me. I was still seeing through the hippi loving rose colored glasses, Jesus loves everyone and everything, perspective that the church imposes on their followers. Something I knew was wrong because they even teach that it is wrong...but everyone does it anyways. Like the prophets....given something....seeing it everywhere I turn...overwhelmed not knowing where to start....so you do with it what you believe you are supposed to and you try and share it....but like the prophets, no one wants to hear it. See I remember three years ago on a summers eve when I was frustrated and just sitting in my car talking to God. He presented me with a choice...and I made it. I told him I wanted the truth no matter what. No matter where it took me, no matter what it would take me through...I still wanted it. See in the vunerability of that moment when my heart had it's many open wounds, I somehow was able to reach up through all the garbage to what I knew was right. So once again in my life I have learned to be careful what you wish for...because God usually gives it to me but not in the way I expect. I'm not complaining...it is just more an irony that I have come to laugh at as time passes.
Well I honestly didn't mean to just go off into my thoughts. Hahaha but I guess somethings never change. Reguardless of everything I have been through and the lack of hope I feel for people as a whole. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, hoping that someone will see it for what it is and decide to rethink things. Anyways the real reason I am here and deciding to leave my mark. Well my husband is leaving in a week. We will have to be apart for four maybe five months. Yes he is really my husband now (officially). So you can't disagree with me anymore even if you did before. But, he's leaving and with my living conditions as they are right now. We are both scared for my emotional health. The past 10 months have been a real trying time for the both of us, but with one of us leaving, that means one of us will have to face this alone. We have never been apart. If we were physically apart, we kept contact on the phone. This will be the first time we are physically apart and not even able to speak to each other on the phone. So I am probably going to start journalling more and I think I will spend more time on this website sharing my thoughts. In someway it allows me to feel like I am sharing with him. Sending out my thoughts....believing he well recieve them. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I never thought anyone would understand me. Turns out he never thought anyone would understand him either :) So in a way that makes us perfect for each other. So to all of you here are my thoughts. Do, share yours.
All the love I have,
Christina | | |
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